The real test

It's so funny.

I wrote here how much I didn't wanna go to Michael's party, and I went. And guess what? You went too. You live an hour away from the club, and you were there! With someone else, no less. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'm thinking the two guys you were there with, one of whom's hand you held right in front of me, were the ones you failed to introduce me to exactly three weeks before that night, in the same club. Were they?

You acted like I was an old friend. It seemed like seeing me didn't affect you in the slightest. I tried to stay for Michael, but I couldn't have been ten feet away from you and watch you dance with those guys like nothing. I drank, and I approached you, and you were like a complete stranger to me. You are so unphased by my presence, and that really hurts. It really, really hurts. But I needed it.

I went a little crazy afterwards. As soon as you told me you didn't want to talk to me, I left the club without saying anything to anyone, and I drove an hour down the parkway, completely intoxicated, hysterical, to your house.

I tried to break in. Imagine if you knew that part. I knew your parents were home, but I went in the back and tried to see if the back door was open. I tried to open a window but I didn't want to wake anyone or startle Diamond. My intention was to lie in your bed, and have you find me there when you got home. I don't know what I was thinking in my drunken state. I guess I wasn't thinking, obviously. So I sat there on your porch steps, for three hours, and begged the heavens to let you come home and not stay at that guy's house.

And you did. And I frightened you. And I frightened myself. And you saw the tears in my eyes, and you saw me bathe in patheity right in front of you. And you didn't even budge. Thank you. This is what I needed to finally move on. I don't know how you were able to do it so easily. Maybe you never felt anything for me at all even though you claim you did. Your text the following day said, "I miss you a great deal." Well, I miss you too -- which is why I can't go on a date with someone at the same place you realized you didn't wanna be with me anymore.

I hate you so much. I love you so much. You've hurt me more than anyone else ever has. This is the end of this blog. If I am ever back here, it will be to reflect on how I have moved on and released myself from this torture. It will be a painful process, but I will succeed. I promise you.

-- L