The real test

It's so funny.

I wrote here how much I didn't wanna go to Michael's party, and I went. And guess what? You went too. You live an hour away from the club, and you were there! With someone else, no less. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'm thinking the two guys you were there with, one of whom's hand you held right in front of me, were the ones you failed to introduce me to exactly three weeks before that night, in the same club. Were they?

You acted like I was an old friend. It seemed like seeing me didn't affect you in the slightest. I tried to stay for Michael, but I couldn't have been ten feet away from you and watch you dance with those guys like nothing. I drank, and I approached you, and you were like a complete stranger to me. You are so unphased by my presence, and that really hurts. It really, really hurts. But I needed it.

I went a little crazy afterwards. As soon as you told me you didn't want to talk to me, I left the club without saying anything to anyone, and I drove an hour down the parkway, completely intoxicated, hysterical, to your house.

I tried to break in. Imagine if you knew that part. I knew your parents were home, but I went in the back and tried to see if the back door was open. I tried to open a window but I didn't want to wake anyone or startle Diamond. My intention was to lie in your bed, and have you find me there when you got home. I don't know what I was thinking in my drunken state. I guess I wasn't thinking, obviously. So I sat there on your porch steps, for three hours, and begged the heavens to let you come home and not stay at that guy's house.

And you did. And I frightened you. And I frightened myself. And you saw the tears in my eyes, and you saw me bathe in patheity right in front of you. And you didn't even budge. Thank you. This is what I needed to finally move on. I don't know how you were able to do it so easily. Maybe you never felt anything for me at all even though you claim you did. Your text the following day said, "I miss you a great deal." Well, I miss you too -- which is why I can't go on a date with someone at the same place you realized you didn't wanna be with me anymore.

I hate you so much. I love you so much. You've hurt me more than anyone else ever has. This is the end of this blog. If I am ever back here, it will be to reflect on how I have moved on and released myself from this torture. It will be a painful process, but I will succeed. I promise you.

-- L

Guests are gone

So it's funny because the whole time I dated you, every weekend you'd spend here, either my grandmother or my aunt or someone would be here, tacking on to that uncomfortable sensation you undoubtedly felt everytime you saw one of them.

Well, ever since we broke up, not one of them is anywhere to be found. My grandmother is back in Puerto Rico, my aunt hasn't shown up, and neither has my cousin, the one who gave you a dirty look the last day you were here. I'm sorry she did that. I should've stood up for you a little better.

I know that's not the reason you ended things with me but wishful thinking should be my middle name. I think if I went to a doctor, he'd diagnose me as clinically depressed. I am very depressed lately, and I can't break out of it as much as I try.

I went to the mall just now before they closed to buy Michael a gift card from Armani for his birthday. His "party" starts in 15 minutes, and it will be the first time I set foot in that club since the last night I spent with you -- exactly three weeks ago. The night I whispered "I think I love you" into your ear, and gave you the perfect excuse to break my heart into a million little pieces.

Let's see how it goes.

-- L

Cameo

Hey,

I'm really dreading tomorrow. I don't want to go. I really don't. But at the same time, I don't want to let Michael down. I just know I'm going to have a miserable time. I'm thinking about just making a quick cameo and disappearing before I can even have a drink or something.

I've been so anti-social the last couple of days. It's so stupid. René has been calling me relentlessly and I'm just not in the mood to hang with anyone. I can't go anywhere without seeing a goddamn Honda Civic. I had one behind me the other day, it was even the same color as yours. Why did you have to drive such a fucking popular car? I bet you don't see many red GMC Safari trucks around your way.

I'm thinking of doing something a little crazy and a little desperate for your birthday. It's two weeks away but I already have it all planned in my head. God, what is wrong with me? Why does it seem like I am regressing instead of moving forward?

I need intervention.

-- L

Relapse

Hey,

So I've definitely fallen back into relapse territory. I watch that stupid Jersey Shore show now because I know you're watching it too, and it oddly makes me feel a little close to you again, even though I haven't seen your face in 16 days, or heard your voice in 14.

Your girl made me a little misty-eyed yesterday after she did the whole telephone-break-up. Haha. I'm not as dramatic as her and I would never burn anything that reminds me of you.

You don't know how hard it is for me to not get in my truck and drive down to Fords, and just wait for you. I'd probably just see you and turn back around. I couldn't handle it. My heart couldn't.

I hate this so much. Why am I so fucking weak? Relapse.

-- L

Never let you go

Voce roubou a minha vida

Você roubou a minha vida
A alma inteira
Você não sabe como é a minha dor
Mas eu não quero a sua pena

Você não sabe o tanto que eu perdi
Não liga se meu mundo quebrar e cair
Num abismo de desilusão

Você já me roubou a vida
E eu me sinto
Como uma pedra onde
O mar derrama a onda
E acostumada, nada sente

Você
Não sabe o importante que foi
Que sua ausência nunca
Vai chegar ao fim
Que eu te dei um pedaço de mim

Você não sabe o que é o amor
Que o medo invade qualquer solidão
Você não sabe que dano causou
Que fez em pedaços meu pobre coração
Que batia quando ouvia
O som vazio em sua voz
O som macio em sua voz

Você que me roubou a vida
Todos os sonhos
E me deixou somente
O frio da sensação
De já não ter mais esperança

Você
Não imagina o quanto eu perdi
Não sabe que será impossível esquecer
E que a saudade só pensa em você

Você não sabe o que é o amor
Que o medo invade qualquer solidão
Você não sabe que dano causou
Que fez em pedaços meu pobre coração
Que batia quando ouvia
O som vazio em sua voz
O som macio em sua voz

Você não sabe a verdade de quem ama
Você não sabe como foi que me deixou
Você foi fria e congelou a minha alma
Você deixou em mim o vazio e a dor

Você não sabe o que é o amor
Que o medo invade qualquer solidão
Você não sabe que dano causou
Que fez em pedaços meu pobre coração
Você não sabe o que é o amor
Que o medo invade qualquer solidão
Você não sabe que dano causou
Que fez em pedaços meu pobre coração

15 characters or less

I miss you so much.

Bathing in Patheity

Hey,

I'm having second thoughts about going to Feathers for Michael's birthday. I know he said Jimmy isn't going but what if he shows up? I wouldn't be able to face him knowing his boyfriend cheated on him with me. Not only that, but you were supposed to be there with me. If I witness Michael and Jimmy, the happy couple, together on his birthday, in the same setting that cemented our demise, how am I going to react?

Why couldn't you wait until after our birthdays to dump me at least? Ugh, listen to myself. I'm bathing in patheity. I'm afraid to relapse, that's why I'm glad I had this interview today. It went well I think. I wish I could tell you all about it in person.

The office was pretty nice. It was about a 15-minute drive to Ridgefield Park. The HR coordinator I dealt with, her name was Yuhan, she was Hispanic but I'm not sure from what country. She was a sweetheart.

She started me off with a 6-page test that covered spelling, grammar, math and other stuff related to the job I'm applying for. I was so intimidated at first because she was just zipping through as she explained it to me, but once I started taking it I knew I was going to nail it. And according to her, I did. After the test, she interviewed me one-on-one and that went well too. I figured I nailed that part as well because she proceeded to send me to another lady (can't remember her name) to take a typing/data entry test.

Oh, those tests get more and more fun. The old lady was floored when she saw how quickly I finished. That keyboard didn't stand a chance! My scores were 102 WPM (99% accuracy, ugh, since when?!) for the alpha, and 99 WPM (100% accuracy) for alpha-numeric. You know this!!

So now I'm just waiting to hear if I got the job. It'll only last me until December if I do get hired, but at least it'll give me some time to look for other work and distract myself more from thinking of you.

I ordered a Spanish-language 30-channel package on DirecTV today. It has channels from both my countries, Peru and Puerto Rico, which I'm pretty excited about. I love immersing myself in my cultures.

I miss you, kiddo. Lately more than ever. Hope you're doing okay. I'm struggling, but I'll be just fine. Promise.

-- L

Dreams betray

Hey,

I've been kind of lucky these last two weeks because I haven't dreamed about you at all. Not since I sent you that lengthy e-mail. But last night I dreamed your sister called me from your cell phone and asked me to meet up.

I remember feeling like YES, she's going to get us back together.

Before that, the last time I dreamed about you was I saw you updating your Facebook status saying something about how your plans got ruined but you were still going to Seaside. Precognitive? Quite possibly. A few days later you uploaded that photo of Pauly D at the T-shirt shop.

I still have yet to dream about your face, and I hope I never do. That'll really sting. Miss you.

-- L

Card

Hey, you.

Just wanted to tell you that I got a job interview lined up for tomorrow in Ridgefield Park. It's just a seasonal position for three months but at least it's something.

I think about you a lot. The last two days especially, for some reason. I think my debacle with Michael has hurt our friendship a little, and it stinks because he's been a great distraction to me. I'm supposed to go to his birthday thing at Feathers this Saturday. I got him a birthday card, and I got another one too. Trying to decide whether or not I should send it to you. You know I'm big on birthdays.

I found someone to buy the Wicked tickets from me. Well, Michael's mother did. It's kind of sad, but I'm grateful. I would've given anything to see the look on your face while you watched the performance. I remember looking over at you on our second date while we watched The Karate Kid, and you had the cutest expression. Like a little kid.

God, I miss you terribly. Do you miss me too?

-- L