Everything I needed to say

The last e-mail I wrote to you on August 11th, 2010

This is not a harsh letter, and I don’t want a response. I just need you to read it. I know it’s over. Even though you couldn’t tell me to my face, or even with your voice, I get it. You don’t want me anymore. You wouldn’t even give me the satisfaction of saying goodbye because you’re too afraid to face me. You’d rather be “friends.” I humiliated myself reaching out to you all these times, even after you blocked me on Facebook. And you still slapped me in the face with more rejection after I begged you to meet with me today.

After I left Fords on Wednesday night, I had a glimmer of hope. You said “I hope you didn’t tell your mom and sister because I don’t want them looking at me differently when I go back.” That made me so happy, because it meant you were planning to come back. Obviously, that is no longer the case. You kissed me goodbye, and hugged me, and I honestly thought your doubt was erased and you were going to give us a chance, but you didn’t.

I had to put everything in a trash bag over the weekend, not because I wanted to throw them all out, I just can't really bear to look at anything. The Cookie Monster you won me for me in Seaside, the Despicable Me Minion you won for me in Wildwood, the Build-A-Bear you gave me just a couple weeks ago that says "I love you" when you squeeze the hand. Your hats, your shoes, your dress shirt, your toothbrush -- I had to go through the apartment looking for any remnants of you in order to prevent them from being like landmines later on. One unexpected turn and boom, blown to bits. I even had my sister erase your avatar from the Nintendo wii. The one I made for you hastily one day and we both laughed because it came out looking like a lesbian. Yeah, I had to erase it. The Cookie Monster lanyard for my keys, the earrings, the ring, the souvenir from your cousin's engagement party -- they're all tucked away somewhere where I can't see them.

I thought I was in the clear after the weekend because everything that reminded me of you was out of sight, until I found the silly bands in my drawer on Monday -- and those two small, silly, flimsy purple and green bands shaped into hearts knocked the wind right out of me. I cried, hard, and tossed them into the garbage.

It just reminded me that there's no metaphoric trash bag where I can stuff all the memories. The security I felt every time I slept next to you and saw you sleeping with your eyes and mouth barely open. The joy that overcame me the first time you introduced me to your family as your boyfriend. The happiness that swept over me each and every time you'd reach over to hold my hand when you were driving. Our first date on the waterfront in Perth Amboy, when we both chuckled because we ordered the same thing from Dunkin Donuts: a Tropicana coolatta, that's all. The magic of our first kiss that night. Your old man voice, your baby laugh, and the way you laughed every time I did my “You’re hard” face. All the cookies we ate. Your laugh. Your smile. I will miss all of that terribly, especially those last two. I should’ve known it was all too good to be true.

I sob as I write this, and if I didn't, I wouldn't be human. Even though you appear to have moved on, I still can't exorcise your spirit from mine. I miss you so much. I hurt so much. And the reason this pain is so different from anything I’ve experienced with anyone else is because you’re so beautiful, not only physically, but inside. The others seemed to lack a soul but you were warm, generous, affectionate, caring: the perfect gentleman. It hurts, too, because you won’t even give me a proper goodbye.

And now I don’t have you anymore. And what hurts the most, you act like I don’t even exist. You go on with your life like you never even met me. You seem to not even want my friendship even though you say you do. When I realized you blocked me on Facebook on Sunday night, I should’ve been devastated - it should’ve felt like another punch in the gut, but part of me was kind of flattered that you thought enough about me that night to erase any remnants of me too -- even though I fully knew it must’ve been for a different reason.

I will never know exactly what happened, or why your feelings for me disappeared. I will be tormented by that for the rest of my life. Maybe my lack of a job or unfocused direction, maybe you met someone who seemed to attract you more, maybe you just stopped being attracted me because of my body, maybe you don’t like how disconnected and uncomfortable I got in the club, or maybe I just bored you. But one thing I know is it couldn’t have been for the reason you said. You don’t leave someone you think you could love just because they accidentally said those words to you first. And you especially don’t go about your life afterwards like that person no longer exists. I think it was pretty rotten for you to blame my drunken "I think I love you" for ending this. Regardless, I will be tormented because I don’t think I will ever find someone like you.

I ordered a Jersey Shore DVD for you after I couldn’t find it at Wal-Mart or Best Buy. You should be getting it in the mail soon. Please keep it, it’s a gift. Don’t return it to me because it will offend me if you do, and I don’t watch that show.

I also bought you tickets to see Wicked on Broadway the week you’re on vacation, which is why I asked you last week when your vacation exactly was. I’ve seen Wicked, and I will not use these tickets because it will kill me. Please accept them when they arrive to you and if you don’t want them, give them to Jillian so she can take her daughter. Just don’t let them go to waste.

Thank you so much for everything you did for me. Thank you for introducing me to your beautiful family, your friends, and your co-workers. Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to take me to work and the barbershop with you. You don’t know how much little details like that meant to me. Thank you for the trip to Wildwood, and for being great company at Bahama Breeze and Rita’s. Thank you for making my bed a little less lonely these last two months. There are so many other things I could thank you for, but one thing I can never forgive you for is giving up on me and giving up on us, and not giving me a chance to fix whatever you felt was wrong. I know I can’t force a feeling.

I won't bother you again after this. This is everything I had to say to you. If you ever feel like you want me in your life again, in any capacity, whether that be as a lover or a friend, I will always be waiting and willing to let you in without a moment of hesitation -- because my feelings never changed.

I love you, Big Bird.

-- Luis