The real test

It's so funny.

I wrote here how much I didn't wanna go to Michael's party, and I went. And guess what? You went too. You live an hour away from the club, and you were there! With someone else, no less. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'm thinking the two guys you were there with, one of whom's hand you held right in front of me, were the ones you failed to introduce me to exactly three weeks before that night, in the same club. Were they?

You acted like I was an old friend. It seemed like seeing me didn't affect you in the slightest. I tried to stay for Michael, but I couldn't have been ten feet away from you and watch you dance with those guys like nothing. I drank, and I approached you, and you were like a complete stranger to me. You are so unphased by my presence, and that really hurts. It really, really hurts. But I needed it.

I went a little crazy afterwards. As soon as you told me you didn't want to talk to me, I left the club without saying anything to anyone, and I drove an hour down the parkway, completely intoxicated, hysterical, to your house.

I tried to break in. Imagine if you knew that part. I knew your parents were home, but I went in the back and tried to see if the back door was open. I tried to open a window but I didn't want to wake anyone or startle Diamond. My intention was to lie in your bed, and have you find me there when you got home. I don't know what I was thinking in my drunken state. I guess I wasn't thinking, obviously. So I sat there on your porch steps, for three hours, and begged the heavens to let you come home and not stay at that guy's house.

And you did. And I frightened you. And I frightened myself. And you saw the tears in my eyes, and you saw me bathe in patheity right in front of you. And you didn't even budge. Thank you. This is what I needed to finally move on. I don't know how you were able to do it so easily. Maybe you never felt anything for me at all even though you claim you did. Your text the following day said, "I miss you a great deal." Well, I miss you too -- which is why I can't go on a date with someone at the same place you realized you didn't wanna be with me anymore.

I hate you so much. I love you so much. You've hurt me more than anyone else ever has. This is the end of this blog. If I am ever back here, it will be to reflect on how I have moved on and released myself from this torture. It will be a painful process, but I will succeed. I promise you.

-- L

Guests are gone

So it's funny because the whole time I dated you, every weekend you'd spend here, either my grandmother or my aunt or someone would be here, tacking on to that uncomfortable sensation you undoubtedly felt everytime you saw one of them.

Well, ever since we broke up, not one of them is anywhere to be found. My grandmother is back in Puerto Rico, my aunt hasn't shown up, and neither has my cousin, the one who gave you a dirty look the last day you were here. I'm sorry she did that. I should've stood up for you a little better.

I know that's not the reason you ended things with me but wishful thinking should be my middle name. I think if I went to a doctor, he'd diagnose me as clinically depressed. I am very depressed lately, and I can't break out of it as much as I try.

I went to the mall just now before they closed to buy Michael a gift card from Armani for his birthday. His "party" starts in 15 minutes, and it will be the first time I set foot in that club since the last night I spent with you -- exactly three weeks ago. The night I whispered "I think I love you" into your ear, and gave you the perfect excuse to break my heart into a million little pieces.

Let's see how it goes.

-- L

Cameo

Hey,

I'm really dreading tomorrow. I don't want to go. I really don't. But at the same time, I don't want to let Michael down. I just know I'm going to have a miserable time. I'm thinking about just making a quick cameo and disappearing before I can even have a drink or something.

I've been so anti-social the last couple of days. It's so stupid. René has been calling me relentlessly and I'm just not in the mood to hang with anyone. I can't go anywhere without seeing a goddamn Honda Civic. I had one behind me the other day, it was even the same color as yours. Why did you have to drive such a fucking popular car? I bet you don't see many red GMC Safari trucks around your way.

I'm thinking of doing something a little crazy and a little desperate for your birthday. It's two weeks away but I already have it all planned in my head. God, what is wrong with me? Why does it seem like I am regressing instead of moving forward?

I need intervention.

-- L

Relapse

Hey,

So I've definitely fallen back into relapse territory. I watch that stupid Jersey Shore show now because I know you're watching it too, and it oddly makes me feel a little close to you again, even though I haven't seen your face in 16 days, or heard your voice in 14.

Your girl made me a little misty-eyed yesterday after she did the whole telephone-break-up. Haha. I'm not as dramatic as her and I would never burn anything that reminds me of you.

You don't know how hard it is for me to not get in my truck and drive down to Fords, and just wait for you. I'd probably just see you and turn back around. I couldn't handle it. My heart couldn't.

I hate this so much. Why am I so fucking weak? Relapse.

-- L

Never let you go

Voce roubou a minha vida

Você roubou a minha vida
A alma inteira
Você não sabe como é a minha dor
Mas eu não quero a sua pena

Você não sabe o tanto que eu perdi
Não liga se meu mundo quebrar e cair
Num abismo de desilusão

Você já me roubou a vida
E eu me sinto
Como uma pedra onde
O mar derrama a onda
E acostumada, nada sente

Você
Não sabe o importante que foi
Que sua ausência nunca
Vai chegar ao fim
Que eu te dei um pedaço de mim

Você não sabe o que é o amor
Que o medo invade qualquer solidão
Você não sabe que dano causou
Que fez em pedaços meu pobre coração
Que batia quando ouvia
O som vazio em sua voz
O som macio em sua voz

Você que me roubou a vida
Todos os sonhos
E me deixou somente
O frio da sensação
De já não ter mais esperança

Você
Não imagina o quanto eu perdi
Não sabe que será impossível esquecer
E que a saudade só pensa em você

Você não sabe o que é o amor
Que o medo invade qualquer solidão
Você não sabe que dano causou
Que fez em pedaços meu pobre coração
Que batia quando ouvia
O som vazio em sua voz
O som macio em sua voz

Você não sabe a verdade de quem ama
Você não sabe como foi que me deixou
Você foi fria e congelou a minha alma
Você deixou em mim o vazio e a dor

Você não sabe o que é o amor
Que o medo invade qualquer solidão
Você não sabe que dano causou
Que fez em pedaços meu pobre coração
Você não sabe o que é o amor
Que o medo invade qualquer solidão
Você não sabe que dano causou
Que fez em pedaços meu pobre coração

15 characters or less

I miss you so much.

Bathing in Patheity

Hey,

I'm having second thoughts about going to Feathers for Michael's birthday. I know he said Jimmy isn't going but what if he shows up? I wouldn't be able to face him knowing his boyfriend cheated on him with me. Not only that, but you were supposed to be there with me. If I witness Michael and Jimmy, the happy couple, together on his birthday, in the same setting that cemented our demise, how am I going to react?

Why couldn't you wait until after our birthdays to dump me at least? Ugh, listen to myself. I'm bathing in patheity. I'm afraid to relapse, that's why I'm glad I had this interview today. It went well I think. I wish I could tell you all about it in person.

The office was pretty nice. It was about a 15-minute drive to Ridgefield Park. The HR coordinator I dealt with, her name was Yuhan, she was Hispanic but I'm not sure from what country. She was a sweetheart.

She started me off with a 6-page test that covered spelling, grammar, math and other stuff related to the job I'm applying for. I was so intimidated at first because she was just zipping through as she explained it to me, but once I started taking it I knew I was going to nail it. And according to her, I did. After the test, she interviewed me one-on-one and that went well too. I figured I nailed that part as well because she proceeded to send me to another lady (can't remember her name) to take a typing/data entry test.

Oh, those tests get more and more fun. The old lady was floored when she saw how quickly I finished. That keyboard didn't stand a chance! My scores were 102 WPM (99% accuracy, ugh, since when?!) for the alpha, and 99 WPM (100% accuracy) for alpha-numeric. You know this!!

So now I'm just waiting to hear if I got the job. It'll only last me until December if I do get hired, but at least it'll give me some time to look for other work and distract myself more from thinking of you.

I ordered a Spanish-language 30-channel package on DirecTV today. It has channels from both my countries, Peru and Puerto Rico, which I'm pretty excited about. I love immersing myself in my cultures.

I miss you, kiddo. Lately more than ever. Hope you're doing okay. I'm struggling, but I'll be just fine. Promise.

-- L

Dreams betray

Hey,

I've been kind of lucky these last two weeks because I haven't dreamed about you at all. Not since I sent you that lengthy e-mail. But last night I dreamed your sister called me from your cell phone and asked me to meet up.

I remember feeling like YES, she's going to get us back together.

Before that, the last time I dreamed about you was I saw you updating your Facebook status saying something about how your plans got ruined but you were still going to Seaside. Precognitive? Quite possibly. A few days later you uploaded that photo of Pauly D at the T-shirt shop.

I still have yet to dream about your face, and I hope I never do. That'll really sting. Miss you.

-- L

Card

Hey, you.

Just wanted to tell you that I got a job interview lined up for tomorrow in Ridgefield Park. It's just a seasonal position for three months but at least it's something.

I think about you a lot. The last two days especially, for some reason. I think my debacle with Michael has hurt our friendship a little, and it stinks because he's been a great distraction to me. I'm supposed to go to his birthday thing at Feathers this Saturday. I got him a birthday card, and I got another one too. Trying to decide whether or not I should send it to you. You know I'm big on birthdays.

I found someone to buy the Wicked tickets from me. Well, Michael's mother did. It's kind of sad, but I'm grateful. I would've given anything to see the look on your face while you watched the performance. I remember looking over at you on our second date while we watched The Karate Kid, and you had the cutest expression. Like a little kid.

God, I miss you terribly. Do you miss me too?

-- L

Everything I needed to say

The last e-mail I wrote to you on August 11th, 2010

This is not a harsh letter, and I don’t want a response. I just need you to read it. I know it’s over. Even though you couldn’t tell me to my face, or even with your voice, I get it. You don’t want me anymore. You wouldn’t even give me the satisfaction of saying goodbye because you’re too afraid to face me. You’d rather be “friends.” I humiliated myself reaching out to you all these times, even after you blocked me on Facebook. And you still slapped me in the face with more rejection after I begged you to meet with me today.

After I left Fords on Wednesday night, I had a glimmer of hope. You said “I hope you didn’t tell your mom and sister because I don’t want them looking at me differently when I go back.” That made me so happy, because it meant you were planning to come back. Obviously, that is no longer the case. You kissed me goodbye, and hugged me, and I honestly thought your doubt was erased and you were going to give us a chance, but you didn’t.

I had to put everything in a trash bag over the weekend, not because I wanted to throw them all out, I just can't really bear to look at anything. The Cookie Monster you won me for me in Seaside, the Despicable Me Minion you won for me in Wildwood, the Build-A-Bear you gave me just a couple weeks ago that says "I love you" when you squeeze the hand. Your hats, your shoes, your dress shirt, your toothbrush -- I had to go through the apartment looking for any remnants of you in order to prevent them from being like landmines later on. One unexpected turn and boom, blown to bits. I even had my sister erase your avatar from the Nintendo wii. The one I made for you hastily one day and we both laughed because it came out looking like a lesbian. Yeah, I had to erase it. The Cookie Monster lanyard for my keys, the earrings, the ring, the souvenir from your cousin's engagement party -- they're all tucked away somewhere where I can't see them.

I thought I was in the clear after the weekend because everything that reminded me of you was out of sight, until I found the silly bands in my drawer on Monday -- and those two small, silly, flimsy purple and green bands shaped into hearts knocked the wind right out of me. I cried, hard, and tossed them into the garbage.

It just reminded me that there's no metaphoric trash bag where I can stuff all the memories. The security I felt every time I slept next to you and saw you sleeping with your eyes and mouth barely open. The joy that overcame me the first time you introduced me to your family as your boyfriend. The happiness that swept over me each and every time you'd reach over to hold my hand when you were driving. Our first date on the waterfront in Perth Amboy, when we both chuckled because we ordered the same thing from Dunkin Donuts: a Tropicana coolatta, that's all. The magic of our first kiss that night. Your old man voice, your baby laugh, and the way you laughed every time I did my “You’re hard” face. All the cookies we ate. Your laugh. Your smile. I will miss all of that terribly, especially those last two. I should’ve known it was all too good to be true.

I sob as I write this, and if I didn't, I wouldn't be human. Even though you appear to have moved on, I still can't exorcise your spirit from mine. I miss you so much. I hurt so much. And the reason this pain is so different from anything I’ve experienced with anyone else is because you’re so beautiful, not only physically, but inside. The others seemed to lack a soul but you were warm, generous, affectionate, caring: the perfect gentleman. It hurts, too, because you won’t even give me a proper goodbye.

And now I don’t have you anymore. And what hurts the most, you act like I don’t even exist. You go on with your life like you never even met me. You seem to not even want my friendship even though you say you do. When I realized you blocked me on Facebook on Sunday night, I should’ve been devastated - it should’ve felt like another punch in the gut, but part of me was kind of flattered that you thought enough about me that night to erase any remnants of me too -- even though I fully knew it must’ve been for a different reason.

I will never know exactly what happened, or why your feelings for me disappeared. I will be tormented by that for the rest of my life. Maybe my lack of a job or unfocused direction, maybe you met someone who seemed to attract you more, maybe you just stopped being attracted me because of my body, maybe you don’t like how disconnected and uncomfortable I got in the club, or maybe I just bored you. But one thing I know is it couldn’t have been for the reason you said. You don’t leave someone you think you could love just because they accidentally said those words to you first. And you especially don’t go about your life afterwards like that person no longer exists. I think it was pretty rotten for you to blame my drunken "I think I love you" for ending this. Regardless, I will be tormented because I don’t think I will ever find someone like you.

I ordered a Jersey Shore DVD for you after I couldn’t find it at Wal-Mart or Best Buy. You should be getting it in the mail soon. Please keep it, it’s a gift. Don’t return it to me because it will offend me if you do, and I don’t watch that show.

I also bought you tickets to see Wicked on Broadway the week you’re on vacation, which is why I asked you last week when your vacation exactly was. I’ve seen Wicked, and I will not use these tickets because it will kill me. Please accept them when they arrive to you and if you don’t want them, give them to Jillian so she can take her daughter. Just don’t let them go to waste.

Thank you so much for everything you did for me. Thank you for introducing me to your beautiful family, your friends, and your co-workers. Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to take me to work and the barbershop with you. You don’t know how much little details like that meant to me. Thank you for the trip to Wildwood, and for being great company at Bahama Breeze and Rita’s. Thank you for making my bed a little less lonely these last two months. There are so many other things I could thank you for, but one thing I can never forgive you for is giving up on me and giving up on us, and not giving me a chance to fix whatever you felt was wrong. I know I can’t force a feeling.

I won't bother you again after this. This is everything I had to say to you. If you ever feel like you want me in your life again, in any capacity, whether that be as a lover or a friend, I will always be waiting and willing to let you in without a moment of hesitation -- because my feelings never changed.

I love you, Big Bird.

-- Luis

Familiar territory

Hey kiddo,

How was your weekend? I hope it was better than mine. Yesterday I went to Pathmark (the one in Elmwood Park where we bought the Tampico ice pops that you loved!) to buy a couple of groceries. I was on the phone with Michael at the time, he's going through some stuff with his boy so he asked me to come over to his house since he lives nearby.

Just as I was getting on Route 4, I told Michael I might have to drop the phone because the cops were such assholes in Elmwood Park. Not even two minutes later, I GOT PULLED OVER! The son-of-a-bitch gave me a ticket, and my court date (should I decide to contest, which I won't) is on my birthday. Happy Birthday to me!

Michael felt really bad about it, and he wants to pay the ticket. I just might let him.

I reminded him casually that evening about Laura's (now known as Precinct) and he jumped at the idea of going with me, even though I didn't have that great of a night the last time I went with René and met up with Pete and Binicio. When we got there, it was empty but it started to pick up after midnight. It was fun, we danced a lot and met a nice Mexican guy named Juan. He was hitting on me a little but the last thing I wanna do right now is get with someone else when I'm not even halfway over you yet.

Michael and I got really, really drunk and after the club closed, we went back to his house. On the drive, I had a weak moment and started crying because I was thinking of you. I had made it a good 4 days without shedding a single tear, but the alcohol opened up the floodgates.

Michael took pity on me and invited me to come back inside but I didn't want to. He said, "Come inside, I'll make you feel better," and even in my drunken state I knew exactly what he meant. I was suddenly transported back to seven months ago when he and I met and I knew nothing good would come of it if I went inside with him. It wasn't that I was afraid of any sort of feelings for him because I know for sure they're dead -- thanks to you -- but he has a man, and it's not right; and the only reason I would kiss him or touch him would be to help forget about you, even if it was just for a few moments.

Well, I went inside, and it was strange because I knew he was drunk, but it almost seemed like he wasn't. "Everything that happens tonight never happened, right?" he asked me. It felt weird to touch him again in that way, and it felt even more strange kissing him. I still can't believe I did it.

I'm sorry. I have no reason to apologize to you because who knows what you're doing at this moment? For all I know, you've already moved on and introduced someone new to your family. I wonder if any of them ask about me the way I still have people asking about you.

Why did you do this to me, you fool? Keep your heart on hold for me.

-- Luis

Therapy

Hey you,

Some therapists might agree with what I'm doing here, but I'm sure there's a couple of them out there who would classify me as absolutely nuts. It doesn't really matter anyway because no one will ever read this but me.

I haven't let you go yet. I wrote you that e-mail, and momentarily I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, but I don't feel as liberated as I initially thought I would. I think part of me was hoping you'd come back to me after you read that message, but you've made up your mind, and judging by your response, you're unyielding on it.

Today is Saturday, August 21st, and it's 11:13pm. Two weeks ago at this time, we were on our way to Feathers with René and Pete. I held your hand as I drove us all to the club, and I was happy. So, so happy. Little did I know that night would be the last time I'd share a bed with you.

I wonder if you went to Camel Beach today. You told me a few weeks ago to keep my schedule open because we were supposed to go. If you did go, I hope you had a good time. Last Saturday night, you reported from your Facebook that you were at Seaside and you'd spotted some cast members from your show. I wouldn't be surprised if you're there again right now, you little Jersey Shore groupie.

I hope you're enjoying the DVD I sent you. I spent $12 so you'd get it overnight, and I'm glad I did otherwise you would've ended up buying it yesterday like you detailed in your e-mail. Thank you for the text message in which you expressed gratitude. It was nice to see you call me Cookie again.

This is the third day in a row that I have not shed a single tear. Although I think of you almost all the time, I've learned to surpress my emotions. It's also been three days since we last communicated via those e-mails. God. Feels like a lifetime to me.

Well, just to brief you on a few things going on in my life. I have DirectTV now, and with this rebate I'll only be paying about $60 a month on my cable bill (DVR INCLUDED!), that's half what I was paying with Cablevision. Impressive, isn't it? Add that to the $80 Sprint bill and they total just over what I was paying for ONE of my previous cable/phone bill -- both of which were almost $130 EACH! I think you'd be proud of me. I'm going to start saving money starting next month. I wanna have a nice little cushion and/or invest in a new car by next summer hopefully. I am confident that it will happen.

I'm a little sad you haven't de-blocked me from Facebook. Maybe you never will, and maybe it's for the best. If you do de-block me, I'll have to "ignore" you on my Newsfeed, because I don't have the heart to remove you. You may remove me though. I understand. Oh, I got the Wicked tickets on Thursday. I posted something on Craig's List about selling them but I haven't gotten any responses yet. I hope I'm able to.

OH, I am really into this new spy/action drama series on USA now. It's called COVERT AFFAIRS and it stars a trio of actors that I really love. I wish you could watch it with me. Now that I have DVR I could watch all these great shows, and DVR the ones you watch for the weekends you came over. lol.. Let go, Lu. That's me Lu, not you Lou.

I miss you, and I hope you're doing well. Please keep your heart on hold for me. I'll write you again soon.

-- Luis

Green

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on." - Thomas Jefferson